Feel better about yourself by watching this girl freak out when she sees a harmless manatee

As wild animals go, it's hard to get more harmless than manatees. They're slow-moving, spend most of their days sleeping and don't eat anything but mouthful after mouthful of greens. Basically, they're the Bonnaroo-goers of the sea. But try explaining that to Caroline Winch, a spring breaker who had an unplanned encounter with one of the gentle creatures and proceeded to freak the hell out.

The teen was swimming in a lake in Florida – and casually filming herself with a camera mounted on a selfie stick – when the manatee lazily paddled close to her. Winch responded as though the endangered mammal had arrived wearing a blood-splattered hockey mask and holding a chainsaw in one of its flippers. She yelled a few NSFW words before frantically paddling in a circle, shouting "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I see it, it's right next to me!" After she'd had a chance to dry off and put down her selfie stick, she told Inside Edition

It was really big, it was a lot bigger than I thought. It was like very large, I was thinking it had teeth and I was starting to think it’s a shark’s cousin, it could hurt me. I could die out here, my mom would not see me again, I was very nervous.

"A shark's cousin." Huh. Surely there's some kind of National Geographic for Kids app that this girl could download before she screams in a robin's face, runs in terror when confronted by a box turtle or – worst of all – records a video that doesn't go viral.