ON POLITICS

For the Record: Let’s make this debate more interesting

Brett McGinness
USA TODAY
This election's about to get real.

Starting at 9 p.m. EDT tonight, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will square off in the first presidential debate of this year's general election, held at Hofstra University on Long Island, New York. Which channel is it on? All the channels. Or rather, enough channels that you can't miss it. Here's what you can expect tonight, plus how you can drink/gamble along at home ...

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Tonight's agenda is six words long, and two of them are the same word

Tonight’s debate topics, announced last week, are “America’s Direction,” “Achieving Prosperity” and “Securing America.” These would be awful Jeopardy! categories, but they’re equally bad for trying to frame a debate. (Go on, think of a topic that wouldn’t be covered by one of those categories. We’ll wait.) It’s like your chewing gum label telling you that it's made from “natural and artificial ingredients.” HEY GUM, THAT'S ALL THE POSSIBLE INGREDIENTS.

Here are our guesses as to how debate moderator Lester Holt will interpret them:

Looking for more about upcoming debates and your best second-screen options tonight? Go read Paul Singer’s stellar preview of tonight’s festivities. Then check out 5 things Trump needs to do tonight, and 5 things Clinton needs to do tonight.

The real challenge: Watching the whole thing sober

Take baby sips, and find a designated driver. It's only Monday, guys.

CLINTON: “In Reagan’s judgment, Russia was full of middle-class women. (Cough).”

TRUMP: “Excuse me -- China failed bigly, believe me.”

If that exchange happens during tonight's debate, take 11 drinks. That's according to debatedrinking.com, which zeroes in on six phrases particular to each candidate, plus three community words. Still can't follow? The site promises a live drink-totaling scoreboard ... so technically, you don't have to watch the debate at all. But at that point, you're just letting a website give you cues on when to drink, which is sad on several levels.

Other options for drinking games:

If you're playing along, please drink responsibly. And vote responsibly, while you're at it.

What happens at Hofstra, stays at Hofstra

No bets on who "wins" tonight, though.

Can't get through the debate without engaging in several of the traditional vices? Oddsshark.com features prop bets on several aspects of tonight's debate, ranging from Trump's tie color (red) and Clinton's jacket color (blue), to candidates referring to their rivals' spouses (not likely), to whether Trump or Clinton storms off the stage (not likely, but likely to be HILARIOUS if it happens).

So wait, is online gambling legal in the U.S.? Let's put it this way: Win a fortune, and then see how it plays out.

More from the campaign trail

  • Cincinnati Enquirer endorses Democrat for first time in 100 years (Cincinnati Enquirer)
  • New York Times endorses Democrat for first time in four years (USA TODAY OnPolitics)
  • Your reminder that the whole world is watching tonight: Asian stocks lower ahead of debate (USA TODAY Money)
  • Gary Johnson in 2011: The sun will engulf the earth (USA TODAY OnPolitics)
  • Neil deGrasse Tyson, Sept. 6: The sun will engulf the earth (Twitter)

Mormon Judy and cow people

How did these debates go four years ago? A lot weirder than we remember.